Breakup Rules to Live By With Relationship Expert Amy Chan
The emotional turmoil that comes after a breakup is not something to trifle with.
There is so much information on the internet about how to date around, be a good partner in a relationship and deal with the ups and downs that come with exclusivity, but a significant deficit when it comes to coping with a breakup. People are often left in the dark and have little to no guidance on what to do after a breakup besides "get yourself back out there again" and "the only way to get over someone is…"—well, you get the picture. Thankfully, we had the opportunity to sit down with relationship and breakup expert Amy Chan to discuss the rules to follow after a separation.
Sweety High: Introduce yourself and how you got involved in this type of work.
Amy Chan: I started this company because after going through a traumatizing breakup, I struggled to find a program that was specific to the type of pain I was going through. I didn't want to just heal from my breakup, I wanted to break the patterns that were not serving me. There was nobody offering such a service, so through the collaboration of various doctors, psychologists, coaches and healing practitioners, Renew Breakup Bootcamp was born.
I've been writing about relationships, dating and love for over a decade. I'm the editor-in-chief of Heart Hackers Club, an online magazine that focuses on the psychology behind love, lust and desire. The Observer calls me "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw," and I've been featured across national media, including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline and the front page of The New York Times. My book, Breakup Bootcamp—The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, is available at all bookstores and has been translated into five languages. I am represented by one of the world's top talent agencies, United Talent Agency.
(via Amy Chan)
SH: Can we hear the breakup story that inspired the business?
AC: 10 years ago, I was in a relationship with a man whom I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with. He was my first love, and without realizing it, I had put much of my sense of identity into that relationship. When one day suddenly, everything fell apart, I broke into pieces. Not only did I lose my partner, my best friend, but I lost my identity. I spiraled into a depression, broke out into panic attacks, and had thoughts of suicide.
During that time, I searched everywhere for a retreat or some safe place where I could go to get the healing that I needed. Unfortunately, nothing specifically targeted the type of excruciating pain that comes with separation. It took me almost two years to fully recover from that breakup, and along the way, I learned critical tools for self-soothing and getting oneself back into equilibrium. I also count my blessings that I had such a great support system that helped me through the worst of the darkness.
The business idea for Renew came to me about a few years ago. I realized that most of the emails I get from readers of my blog were from people going through breakups and completely distraught about how to handle the pain. It was an a-ha moment where everything came together, and I knew that I had to be the one to create a safe space for people to come and heal in a healthy way.
(via Amy Chan)
SH: What's the best piece of relationship advice you've received?
AC: You may not be able to change the events of your history, but you can choose to change the story you attach to those events. That perspective is a game changer. I still think about it whenever I go through something challenging. It's the basis of reframing, one of the most important life skills you can have.
Our greatest lesson in this lifetime is to practice opening our hearts, even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.
It's because I took my own advice that I'm in a happy, healthy relationship now. Before I met my partner, I was devastated by another relationship that didn't work out. I recall this moment where I was crying, and asked God, the universe, anyone up there who was listening—why me? Why is life so unfair? I didn't understand how as someone who spends her time helping people with their hearts, I was heartbroken—again.
It was at that moment I remembered this piece of advice I gave to the participants at Renew. I got back up and decided that I wasn't going to let the disappointment make me close up my heart. I felt this surge of empowerment and inspiration come over me. I got on a dating app. I met my partner that week.
(via Amy Chan)
Also read about: How I Navigate a Healthy Relationship After Leaving a Toxic One
SH: What's something you don't recommend doing?
AC: Do Not Vilify Your Ex
If you're still blaming your ex, vilifying your ex and psychoanalyzing your ex, you are still in a relationship with your ex! When you blame, you are shackled to the person who hurt you, giving that person the keys to your emotional freedom. Blaming keeps you dependent on the action of another person—something you ultimately cannot control. This powerlessness keeps you in a state of suffering.
Do not stalk their social media.
When you are in a relationship, you have neural pathways associated with that person and the connection. When you're broken up, and you keep scrolling down memory lane by looking at old texts and photos or stalking their Instagram, you strengthen old neural pathways instead of allowing them to prune away.
SH: A first love breakup seems to hurt the most. Why do you think this is?
AC: Studies have been conducted on the brains of newly separated individuals, which revealed that the same part of the brain that is activated during drug withdrawal is also activated during a breakup. Your body is in a state of shock since it has become accustomed to receiving feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin from your partner. After a breakup, your body is left wondering where these chemicals have gone, leading to intense cravings. When you feel the urge to scroll through your ex's social media, it is simply your brain seeking that hit of dopamine it has become accustomed to receiving.
There are 7 stages of separation. Note that you can jump around the different stages, as healing is not linear. The stages are:
Shock (body has not adjusted to a new reality without your partner)
Denial (rejection of reality)
Depression (it hits you that it's really over)
Anger (this is actually a positive sign as it shows that energy is moving—you think life is unjust and are motivated to take action)
Bargaining (similar to denial, we might go back to the ex and minimize the reasons for the breakup)
Accountability (you start to recognize your part in the relationship, both ups and downs, and the dialogue shifts from being centered on the ex, to you and your role)
Acceptance (you embrace reality, and your focus moves from the past to what's next to create your new future)
(via Amy Chan)
SH: So, what are the rules to follow after a split?
AC: Cut off contact, ideally for three months. Try "chunking" 30-day intervals to make the goal more achievable.
Do the Pie Exercise
To put into perspective exactly how much time, energy and headspace was devoted to your relationship, draw a circle. Next, divide the circle into slices, with each slice representing how much time you spent on the different areas of your life (relationship, work, friends, etc.), and see how much of a slice was devoted to the relationship. 50%? 70%? You need to be proactive in finding ways to fill up that slice of pie with activities, or you'll end up filling that blank space with thoughts of your ex. You can even draw another circle to represent your new pie moving forward and ensuring it's more balanced so the next time, you don't get consumed by the relationship.
Prepare Yourself for Withdrawal
After a breakup, your body is in a state of shock because it's no longer getting the dopamine and other feel-good chemicals, and it's completely normal to miss your ex and go through withdrawal feelings. When you find yourself wanting to contact your ex, remember that, on average, it takes about 20 to 30 minutes for the intense feelings to subside. Brainstorm a list of ideas that you can turn towards when the craving comes—call a friend, exercise or go for a jog without your phone. Whatever you do, do not contact your ex!
Create an Empowering Fantasy
When you are ruminating about what should have been, or hoping for an ex to come back, you are stuck in a disempowering fantasy. Redirect your focus and energy into a new obsession—an empowering one. Maybe now's the time to write that book, to start that new passion project or take online dance classes and learn how to hip-hop once and for all! You can also volunteer or do something that helps others, as this helps you shift the attention from feeling like a victim.
SH: Do you believe exes could ever be friends? Can you truly put yourself out there and date again if you are still hung up on an ex?
AC: Do not try to be their friend right away. It's unrealistic to think you can go from intimate to platonic without any transition time. You need a period of time to adjust to the new dynamic. Often I see the person who does the breaking up trying to stay friends. They want to still get the emotional connection or "the girlfriend experience" (or boyfriend experience) without the responsibility of the commitment.
(via Amy Chan)
SH: We often look up our exes, their current partner and the occasional random family member of his on social media. Despite the breakup happening years ago, why are we so addicted to internet stalking after a breakup?
AC: Your body has grown accustomed to receiving feel-good chemicals from the relationship, and despite knowing that it's over on a cognitive level, your body still craves them. You might experience withdrawal and may consider reaching out to your ex or revisiting old photos and texts. However, resist the urge to do so, as it will only reinforce the old neural pathways that keep you emotionally attached. Delete your ex from social media and get rid of physical and digital reminders of them. Though it may be difficult, remember that having intense cravings is a natural part of the healing process.
SH: After years of having this business and hearing many different heartbreak and breakup stories, what have you learned about love and relationships that you didn't know before your involvement in this type of work?
AC: That resilience is something you can build, and there are tools that can help you process pain and grief. Knowing this, I don't fear investing fully into a relationship and opening my heart. Because even if something happened, I would be bruised, not broken. And I can bounce back.
SH: Where can we learn more about you and Breakup Bootcamp? What can we expect next from you?
AC: Renewbreakupbootcamp.com. The next retreat is April 21 to 24, 2023. I'm currently working on a new book on the science of dating and launching a breakup podcast soon.
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