Why Fighting for Your Relationship Can Actually Be a Bad Thing

Over the course of my dating life, there's a simple fact that I've had to come to terms with: I'm bad at breakups.

When I allow myself to become attached to someone, I am attached, which means I really struggle to let them go. When a particularly painful breakup was sprung upon me, I spent hours upon hours trying to convince my partner to stay. I told myself I was fighting for my relationship, that he didn't really know what he was doing and if he thought through the impact of his decision he would surely change his mind.

I've also been on the other side. When I was ready to end a relationship that was clearly unhealthy, I sat through weeks of long phone calls with my ex where he told me time and time again that he wasn't going to give up on us that easily. But did him fighting for our relationship change my mind? Not even a little bit.

The problem with these situations is that "fighting" is often used in place of "begging." Where fighting sounds gallant and romantic, begging sounds weak and pathetic. But at the end of they day they're the same thing—an effort to convince a partner who doesn't care about you enough that you're still worth their while.

If you have to convince someone to stay, they're probably not right for you. Keep scrolling to learn why fighting for your relationship can actually be a bad thing.

It Won't Change Their Mind

While fighting for your relationships seems romantic and passionate in the moment, it often doesn't change how your partner is feeling. If they've decided to break up with you, there's little you can, or should, do to change their mind. Begging them to stay, listing off all the reasons why you're good together—it doesn't change the fact that they're just not interested in being in a relationship with you anymore. No amount of begging can make them fall for you again. In fact, it often has the opposite effect by pushing them away even faster.

(Stranger Things via Netflix)

 

It Delays the Inevitable

Let's say your begging and pleading does convince your partner to stay. Eventually, they cave and admit that you're better together and that they want to be in this relationship. Unfortunately, those feelings rarely last. When someone tries to breakup with you, it's a clear sign that they're not as invested in the relationship as they should be. Even if they decide to stay, the timer on the end of your romance has already begun. A few weeks, a few months—who knows how much longer you'll get out of them before you have to repeat this entire process all over again. By begging someone to stay, you're just delaying the inevitable and committing yourself to a partner who, at their core, doesn't want to be with you.

 

It Makes You Look Bad

A harsh, but true reality—begging your partner to stay with you makes you look bad. As much as you want to believe you're doing the best thing for your romance, it comes across as weak and desperate. Instead of centering your reaction on the idea that you deserve someone who's as head-over-heels in like with you as you are with them, you're lowering yourself to a position of groveling for someone who isn't interested in being with you. No matter how you try to spin it, it makes you look bad. And for what? There's nothing to be gained from it, so it's better to keep your dignity intact and watch your partner leave, rather than become the desperate one in the romance just in time for them to break your heart.

(Riverdale via The CW)

 

It Allows Them to Mistreat You

Beyond making you look bad, begging someone to stay with you also shifts the power dynamics in your relationship. Now, your partner has definitive proof that you're more invested in the relationship than they are, and that you probably wouldn't leave them, no matter what they did. While good people won't abuse that dynamic, it's a dangerous situation to put yourself in. Knowing that they have more power allows your partner to mistreat you, all the while resting easy in the knowledge that you'll stick around. Good relationships demand an equal balance of power, and begging someone to stay with you when they don't want to surrenders your ability to make decisions in the relationship.

 

It Means They're Not Right for You

Last but not least, convincing someone to stay with you pretty much offers definitive proof that they're not the right person for you. Someone who is committed to your relationship and truly cares about you won't have to be talked into your romance. They'll be excited about each new experience and ready to work through the challenges. They won't just toss in the towel once things get a little difficult or if they suddenly decide they're not as interested as they thought they were. If you have to beg someone to stay, they're not the right person for you. It'll be tough to let them go, but better things are waiting in the future if you allow yourself to open up to them.

 

Looking for more dating advice? Click HERE for seven signs you're in the wrong relationship.