Your First Kiss: Expectations vs. Reality

We all have a very specific image in mind for what our first kiss will be like. Usually these daydreams include fireworks and foot pops.

But we're sorry to say that not all first kisses include pyrotechnics. In fact, almost none do. I believe the exact number is around "literally never except in the movies," but that's just a ballpark figure.

Before you have your first kiss, check out these dreamy expectations and the unfortunate realities:

The Crush

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Expectations: Your first kiss will happen with the person you've been crushing on for years. It's as though this person finally came to their senses and realized how perfect you would be together. Their lips are soft and bouncy and, whether it's also their first kiss or not, their cool, calm and collected demeanor takes away all of your nerves.

Reality: Whether or not you've actually been crushing on this person, you quickly realize that they aren't your match made in heaven. Their breath smells like Doritos and they don't gently caress the side of your face like you thought was a mandatory move.

 

The Moment

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Expectation: You expect your first kiss to strike during a moment of pure romance. Maybe you're sitting on a beach under the stars or wrapped in the darkness of an empty movie theater. After staring into each other's eyes for what feels like centuries—beautiful and romantic centuries—your crush leans in slower, slower, slower, touch down.

Reality: The last few minutes have been excruciatingly painful because you both ran out of things to talk about, and in this awkward silence you begin to suspect your crush is going to make the move. Nothing in the atmosphere suggests that now, of all moments, would be the best time for your first kiss. Whether it's on a walk home from school when you're totally sweaty or right after your crush's friend said something completely immature, this is not what you had in mind. You both start doing some sort of chicken bob with your heads, trying to figure out when the other is going to initiate the lean in.

 

The Timing

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Expectation: Your kiss will happen in conjunction with another equally powerful moment. Whether fireworks go off or a shooting star streaks against the sky or it begins to rain on a dimly lit city street, it's as though the universe is singing, "Kiss the girl."

Reality: It's more likely than not that everything in your being is unprepared for the kiss. Whether you've been fighting a cold for a week and literally can't breathe when your crush presses up against your only source of oxygen intake or your parent opens the door just in time to get a front row seat to smooch city, your first kiss cannot be timed any worse. And then, as though nothing else could go wrong, it begins to pour, which you quickly discover is only romantic in the movies. Have fun trying to wipe the bleeding mascara out of your eyes.

 

The Lean In

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Expectation: Obviously time is going to slow down until all atoms are moving at half-speed while you both lean in together in unison. As though you've already choreographed the kiss, each of you will know exactly which way to tilt your head and your lips will line up perfectly, producing an Oscar-worthy smooch.

Reality: What lean? I mean really. One of you is more than likely to catch the other one off guard, resulting in a kiss that lands in the corner of a mouth, or worse, on the cheek. You'll try and laugh it off and attempt a second, more deliberate kiss, such is the way with imperfect high-fives, but rather than a lean (which seems to imply a slow and gradual arrival) you'll practically high-five each other on the face, a slap propelled by nerves and anticipation.

 

The Lean Out

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Expectation: After your pyrotechnics-inducing pucker, you'll both linger for a few moments, face to face, while your lips soften into a smile. In these short seconds, you'll take the time to inhale deeply, breathing in the scent of your crush's cologne and whichever other atmospheric smells led up to this once-in-a-lifetime moment.

Reality: You basically apparate back into the position you were previously sitting or standing in, almost as though you're guilty of tripping over nothing and hoping that nobody noticed. While you've spent so many hours romanticizing this perfect moment, now that it's happened you want nothing more than to get away from it. What does one say after their first kiss? Do you pretend like it didn't happen? Do you acknowledge it? Why doesn't anyone ever talk about the after first kiss?? One or both of you suggests that it's getting late and you immediately part ways for home.

 

The Juicy Details

(Grease via Paramount Pictures)

Expectation: Your girlfriends will all squeal over the fact that you've had your first kiss and will want to know every single juicy detail. But you suavely hold your chin up and say, "I don't kiss and tell" or some other Grease-era line that drives your friends crazy, making the whole experience feel that much more special. But then, of course, you give in and gush about the entire romantic evening.

Reality: You immediately call your best friend to tell her what just happened, and you are feeling anything but light and airy. You need her to talk you down from the paranoia you're spinning of just how bad it really was. She assures you that you are just in your head about it, that it probably wasn't that bad, but you aren't having any of it. You tell her not to mention the "incident" (as you're now referring to it), to anyone. You're taking this secret to the grave.

 

So your first kiss may have gone completely differently than you expected, but your first real relationship will be just the way you envisioned, right? Ha, wrong! Click HERE to find out the unexpected realities of being with your first S.O.