It’s Time to Break Up With the ‘All Or Nothing’ Mindset—Here’s How

An all-or-nothing mindset, or cognitive distortion, is a way of thinking based on emotions rather than acknowledging the evidence.

It is an extreme way to look at a situation that may not have worked out in your favor. Another way to look at this is black-or-white thinking. You may be unaware of this type of distortion, but here are some examples you may have noticed come up in your own life.

Friendships

Let's take friendships, for instance. If you feel like you may be growing apart from a friend or feel like the friendship may no longer be serving you, unless it is toxic or abusive, there is no need to cut ties with the friend altogether. Be cordial and amiable, and give the friendship the distance you think it needs. It certainly doesn't have to be a dramatic confrontation and breakup where you both never speak with each other again.

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Rejection

Let's say you get rejected from your dream job. Sometimes it's almost instinctual that we start to feel not good enough, but this is another way that an all-or-nothing mentality comes into play. Just because one opportunity didn't see you as a fit doesn't mean you won't fit at hundreds of other places. Another possibility is right around the corner for you.

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Negative Comments

Have you ever been in a situation where you received a ton of positive feedback and then one off-colored comment? In turn, you start to ruminate about that one negative comment, and all the positive ones fall by the wayside. You're lying if you claim this has never happened to you! Odds are that you are not an emotionless robot. Focusing on the negative is perfectly natural, but we must actively work on reframing those thoughts in our heads.

(via Shutterstock)

The How

Now, we get it, combating this way of thinking that may be deeply embedded is way easier said than done, but it's not impossible. It is all about reframing and acknowledging the feelings when they inevitably arise. Positive self-talk is such a beneficial way to build up your self-confidence. Allow some time in your day to do some reality testing. Sit down with yourself and evaluate the emotion you are experiencing caused by a negative experience. Don't fall into the trap of interpretation. Figure out what is factually happening in order to separate your feelings from the situation. Your feelings are feelings—they are not facts, so remember not to treat them as such!

Want to learn more about navigating your emotions? HERE for how to cope with jealousy in friendships and relationships.