How My Insecurities Destroyed One of My Closest Friendships

Not all friendships are built to last.

Some fizzle out as you grow older, while others come to an abrupt and dramatic end.

There's nothing worse than looking back on a friendship that ended and realizing that you were the one who ruined it.

After hearing people's toxic friends stories, I realized that I was a totally awful friend in one of my past relationships.

Let's start with a little backstory.

I met this girl Marissa* years ago. We had met at a concert and realized we had pretty similar taste in music, so we started hitting up concerts together all the time.

We became fast friends and our relationship was solid as a rock. I was at her house constantly, hanging out with her, her sister and her close group of friends—heck, even her mom. I became incredibly close to all of them, so much so that they felt like more of a family than my own.

(Riverdale via The CW)

Marissa was an extraordinary human being. She was outgoing, positive, bubbly—basically the human embodiment of a ray of sunshine. Everyone loved her… everyone.

Marissa would always make a ton of new friends at every show we went to.

She was always in the spotlight, while I sunk into the background. I didn't mind it at first, but then it started to take a toll on me.

Even though we always did everything together, Marissa was always the one who received praise for her "cool" life and all the fun things she did. I felt as though no one cared about me, and that I had just started to become a background character in Marissa's life. I was simply the chauffeur who drove her around everywhere.

The worst was when it came to boys.

As I previously mentioned, Marissa was one of those people you couldn't help but adore. Guys would always flock to her and her flirty personality would always win them over.

(Riverdale via The CW)

I grew increasingly jealous. Every guy—namely, band members who I had no shot with in the slightest—I ever liked was always way more interested in her. It's safe to say I became the green-eyed monster my parents had always warned me about.

I had started to become increasingly rude to her every time we hung out or interacted over social media. I would always make some sort of sly comment that I'd brush off as me being "sarcastic," when I was actually just acting like a little brat.

Eventually, she caught on with what was happening and we had a phone call that was basically me calling her out for no reason. I said she was the problem, when my insecurities were the thing to blame.

Our close friendship slowly started to unwind until we were no longer acquaintances.

(Riverdale via The CW)

Years later, I've realized I was to blame for our friendship fading. Up until now, I let myself believe she was the root of our issues. I was convinced I did nothing wrong, but I realize I did everything wrong.

Rather than accept the fact that I was jealous of her popularity, I pushed all my insecurities onto her. I was quick to make her feel bad about simply being herself, because I couldn't handle the fact that I wasn't her.

I found the need to compare myself to her, so I never gave myself (or our friendship) a chance.

I've gotten better about not comparing myself to my close friends, but I'm still human and tend to slip up every so often. Nowadays, I never let my jealousy get the best of me. Anytime those mean, nasty thoughts find their way into my brain, I make sure to squash them real fast.

For those of you who are struggling with this, I get it. It's so hard to not feel like you'll never be as awesome as your friends, but don't let that ruin your friendship.

One thing that has helped me when those envious thoughts take over is repeating this mantra: Don't compare, it's not fair. It sounds silly, but it works.

(Riverdale via The CW)

Even though I've since realized I was in the wrong in ending my friendship, I don't think I could ever be friends with Marissa again.

It's not that our relationship isn't salvageable, it's just that we've both become two very different people since our friendship ended. We're in very different places, doing very different things with our lives.

That being said, I may still reach out to apologize for being a horrible friend in the end. But for now, I'll take this little life lesson and apply it to my current friendships.

I hope those of you going through a similar situation can learn from my mistake and address your issues before it's too late.

 

*Name has been changed to protect privacy

 

If you also happen to be dealing with a toxic friend, read about how one girl was brave enough to say goodbye to hers.