6 Tips for a Harmonious Relationship With Relationship Expert Michelle W. Lentz

What makes a relationship work? As a newlywed and marriage advice influencer and happily married wife of over 40 years, Michelle W. Lentz knows a thing or two about the topic.

Earlier this month, Michelle released her new book, Hey Beginner Wife: Practical Tips and Heartfelt Advice to Help You Have a Happy Marriage, inspiring women everywhere to learn from her mistakes, find and foster authentic love and enjoy happy relationships, beginning with the right frame of mind. Consisting of 16 chapters, the book spends each one focusing on a core characteristic that's essential to a happy marriage. Whether you're married or not, there's plenty of insight to be gained from the book, and we had the pleasure of speaking with Michelle to learn six of her top tips for harmonious relationships of all types in the interview below.

'Embrace the Idea That Love Is a Decision'

Michelle W. Lentz: Most of us are drawn to love stories. We dream that one day, we'll make eye contact with a gorgeous person in a coffee shop, feel a warm rush of adrenaline and the flurries of love at first sight, and then oblivious to the crowd around us, we fall in love. This is love-as-an-emotion at its finest!

We're conditioned to believe that love is an emotion of deep contented happiness that magically overtakes us, when in reality, real, honest lifelong love is a decision to commit yourself to someone else regardless of the ebb and flow of your feelings.

This is why the traditional marriage vows include the phrasing, "To love and to cherish, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." All relationships go through ups and downs, and a decision to care for one another and treat one another kindly in each season is paramount to the success of a relationship.

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'Embrace the Vulnerability of Saying I'm Sorry'

MWL: When I was a little girl, the movie Love Story popularized this saying: "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Even as a young girl, I thought this was ridiculous. Why does being married excuse you from having to say I'm sorry? It didn't make sense. Years later as a new wife, I discovered just how difficult it was to apologize to my husband. It finally made sense to me that couples seek to avoid uncomfortable conversations and would be quick to embrace the messaging that they didn't have to say they were sorry if they were in love.

But apologies restore our relationships when we've offended one another. Apologies go right to the heart of our partner when we've wounded them. We validate the other person's pain when we bravely admit that we were wrong and ask if they could forgive us for offending them. An honest apology resets the relationship and allows us to move on without bitterness toward each other.

 

'Treat One Another as Allies Instead of Enemies'

MWL: When you are in a committed relationship with one another, you are allies instead of enemies, right? You're on the same team and teammates have one another's back. So, commit not to say anything negative about your partner to your close friends, your parents or your coworkers.

Freely share what they do well, and make it a point to praise them in front of others. Determine that your misunderstandings will stay between the two of you.

Together, you will work it out in private, but before this happens, it's not fair to share just one side of the story with your friends. Of course your friends will side with you when they only hear one side of the story. Then, they will believe that your partner is somewhat of a jerk and look upon them with disdain. Invest in your harmonious relationship by committing not to complain about each other to your circle of friends.

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'Treat Each Other With Respect'

MWL: A relationship thrives when both parties feel respected, seen, valued and appreciated. In the early days of love, we feel absolutely accepted for who we are. We are thrilled that we've found someone who enjoys us and all of our idiosyncrasies, and we cannot get enough of being with them.

And then we grow comfortable with each other, and all too commonly one of the partners begins offering suggestions for how the other person can do something better. The suggestions sound like criticisms, or corrections, and pretty soon the other partner shuts down and resents the inference that they need to change. They are frustrated that suddenly they are no longer trusted to get the job done without corrections or reminders.

In a harmonious relationship, each partner gives the other the space to do things their own way. They acknowledge that there might actually be two ways to sweep a floor, load a dishwasher or prioritize a to-do list. I've found it very helpful to ask this question when I'm trying to identify whether or not I am treating my partner respectfully: "Do I sound like their parent right now, or their best friend?" Avoid parent-mode at all costs!

 

'Believe the Best About One Another'

MWL: Our thoughts can take on a life of their own, and most of the time we aren't even aware of what's happening. Let's say we go to the refrigerator to get the leftovers from last night's takeout but it's nowhere to be found. We think to ourselves, "Unbelievable. How could he be so selfish as to take my leftovers to work? It's like I make all the sacrifices in this relationship! I offered to switch cars with him today because he had the meeting an hour north, but now I'm driving his uncomfortable jeep again. It's just not fair." Clearly, our thoughts are quick to support an accusation and then add an additional list of even more accusations.

No one is privy to our thought life except us. So we are the only ones who can stop these internal accusations before they get the best of us and we begin believing that our good-hearted partner is actually a selfish, inconsiderate moocher.

Believing the best would look like this. You go to the refrigerator for your leftovers and cannot find them. "I bet he grabbed the wrong Tupperware," you think to yourself. "Darn it. He's going to be disappointed because he promised me last night that I could have them." Believing the best is providing a story line that gives him the benefit of the doubt, instead of jumping to the worst case scenario and then piling on additional accusations. When you choose a narrative that believes the best, you can go about your day without rehashing a growing list of accusations against him. You are investing in your relationship by choosing not to accuse him before you hear his side of the story.

(via Unsplash)

 

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'Find Your Match'

MWL: In the context of marriage, a harmonious relationship is much more likely to happen when you marry someone who shares your morals, values and faith. I know it feels like this isn't important in the early months and years of a relationship, but if you are seeking a lifelong commitment and someone to raise children with, please take this one seriously. Our morals, values and faith influence the decisions we make, how we spend our money, how we respond to conflicts with our neighbors and what we teach our children.

 

Not sure if you've found the one? Click HERE for the top signs that you're heart's not in the relationship.